Today at the end of yoga, my instructor (who is also one of my close friends), shared that she has been making a point to meditate twice a day. I cannot meditate and have a love/hate relationship with Shavasana. I am usually unable to truly shut down and spend the time going over my to-do list or, more often, reliving my failures in my head. Sometimes, I even dig into the archives to fret over things that happened years ago. My awesome yoga squad loves Shavasana. One friend often falls asleep. I know that we are all working with our demons and fears and greatly admire her ability to zone out and rest the mind, if only for a few minutes.
On Saturdays, I leave yoga, pick up my son, and head to the local gym. Liam plays in their open gym while I take an Obstacle Skills class. This class is incredibly humbling. I may not be tiny, but I am surprisingly strong. This is the first class I’ve even taken in which I am the worst participant. This is not a one-time coincidence. I am terrible at this class. It begins with a half-mile run to a local pond. I am the slowest runner. On the beach, we do a series of exercises using our body weight, such as crab walks, burpees, army crawls, and caterpillar walks. This workout is amazing! It takes a lot for me to feel a class after; this one leaves me sore for days. It may sound weird, but I love being sweaty and covered in dirt after class. It lets me know that I really challenged myself, that I accomplished something I couldn’t previously do.
Here’s the problem: I work myself up over this class. When I go, I am the biggest, weakest, and slowest. I feel like I am holding the others back. (Maybe they love when I attend because they get so many breaks while waiting for me to finish the rounds.) During class, my heart pounds and I sweat (more than usual.) Last class, I was so worked up that I had to walk instead of run halfway back.
I picked up Liam and headed to the gym. I spent a minute updating my account with the front desk. When I went to go to the other room to take the class, I panicked when I saw the other people attending the class. They were in much better shape than I am. I made an excuse about trying to update my account and skipped out. Liam was in the middle of his class for the next hour, so I had to pretend that I couldn’t reset my account.
I let my own self-doubt get in the way of reaching my goals. My punishment was having to sit int he gym, watching Liam and submersing myself in my doubts and thoughts. The worst part of all this is that the class stayed at the gym, completing a weight-based workout instead of the usual run to the pond.
I need to remind myself how far I’ve come. In a few months, I’ve gone from someone who couldn’t run a single block to someone who can run three miles straight. Through the years, I have grown into someone who can do headstands, camel pose, and dead-left 155 pounds. I can’t let fear get in the way of future successes.