Random Thoughts Thursday (on a Friday)

Today, I received a check from the state’s unclaimed treasury. My name has been in the database for at least fifteen years. The amount was listed as “under $200.” When it was printed in the paper, relatives would call my mom, telling her they saw my name on the list. (I don’t know if this sort of thing happens in other states, but it was a huge deal twenty years ago in these parts.) My mom would, in turn, call me, reminding me of my “free money.” Whenever someone mentioned the list being in the paper, I would wait for Mom’s call. When I first made the list, for me to claim my money, I had to go to the office and fill out paperwork. Later, I would also need to produce my marriage certificate to prove that I used to be the name in the database and find paperwork showing I once lived at my parent’s house. I would set the intention to dig through records to find the necessary paperwork but never got around to actually doing it. Like all great information previously available in the newspaper, the database moved online. Eventually, you could submit the claim via the treasury website, which I did a few months ago. Today, I received a letter from the treasury department. After years of my mom nagging me to file the claim, the case is closed. It is bittersweet, that is one less thing for her to haunt me about. I feel like I should do something special with the money, all $183 of it. I definitely need to spend it doing something with Mike and Liam. That’s what Mom would have wanted me to do with it.

I love that Liam shares my weird sense of humor. He and I can say something random and silly and manage to roll with it far longer than anyone should. This morning, while trying to get him out of bed, he began singing about the need to stay under the covers. We spent the entire morning singing a narrative of everything we did, titling our antics, “Friday Morning: the Musical,” sung to the tune of “Elmo the Musical.”

“Staying under the covers now!”

“Brush your teeth in the bathroom!’

“Did you get your socks on?”

Yeah, we are hysterical. Trust me, it was funnier if you were there.

Also, we picked right back up when we came home from school.

When I was sixteen, I began adding piercings up my left ear. Every week or so, my mother would check my ear for extra piercings. Luckily, she never committed the number to memory, so she never realized when she counted a new hole. I am thankful that sixteen-year-old me was wise enough to add all of these piercings in a straight line, allowing me to still wear studs up my ear as an adult. I currently have eight holes in my left ear and four in my right. I am also thankful that teenaged me was wise enough to rebel through piercing rather than tattoos. Piercings are easier to change your mind about and remove. There have been gaps of time when I’ve removed my earrings; no one can see the holes unless I mention it to them. (Oddly enough, my second tattoo, which I had done at age 38, contains REM lyrics in my mom’s handwriting. REM was my favorite band in high school, proving that maybe I could have been trusted to choose permanent body art as a teenager. However, anyone who knew me in high school knows that my fashion choices were not at all timeless.)

Ziauddin Yousafzai, Malala Yousafzai’s father, liked a Tweet I chared on my school’s Twitter! My students read her book. I took a picture of them during their Socratic Seminar. I did not tag anyone in the Tweet, yet he managed to find and like it. The books influenced my students, bringing them to discuss women’s rights and other issues affecting the world. As a teacher, there are few moments greater than when your students demonstrate the ability think critically about an issue. Not only did that happen, someone I greatly admire acknowledged our work!

I’m now finishing my third week of eating dairy-free. We went out to dinner last Friday and I was able to find something to eat without issue. My sinuses continue to improve, and my skin hasn’t looked this great since I was pregnant. My stomach issues have not changed much, forcing me to continue my search for that culprit. I’m happy with my skin and running proves slightly easier (because I am breathing better), convincing me to stick with the dairy-free diet.

I love that being a teacher provides so many new beginnings. For example, I get two starts to a “new year,” one in January and another in September. A few weeks into January, a new semester begins. I love the notion of beginnings. They’re so hopeful. At each of these beginnings, I assess and create goals. Every September comes with the promise of keeping a sleep schedule, meal planning on Sundays, and keeping the house mildly tidy during the week. (This year, I’ve actually maintained these routines!) January promises to stop eating the terrible diet that begins at Halloween and runs through New Year’s Day. Ten days in the house allows me to clear through closets and various spots to get rid of items we haven’t used during the previous year. When we go back to school that first week of January, the house is at its cleanest. The new semester brings a clean slate to think about successes, reflect upon my practice, and start anew. I added a giant chalkboard wall to my classroom. It contains the steps of the latest project, complete with final products, checkpoints, and due dates along the way. I am hoping that having an outline bringing us through the next two months will keep us on track, avoiding the inevitable panic scramble at the end of the semester.

“Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
― L.M. Montgomery

How Blizzards Bring Out the Best of New Englanders

We never look forward to blizzards. They’re a lot of work mixed with loads of downtime. When weather forecasts warned that a major storm could hit, we immediately made sure we had basic necessities. I’m lucky that Mike and I always have a stocked pantry, knowing we could eat canned soup or cereal is a snowstorm or hurricane hit. Thanks to Liam and his games and toys, we always have a supply of batteries on hand. We are avid campers and have a collection of flashlights.

At the first snow of the season, we learned that Liam outgrew his snow boots. Tuesday, he and I went on a mission to get him new ones. I’ve always managed to find them secondhand at odd times; no such luck hit this time. We wound up going to LL Bean and buying him brand new boots. We picked up milk, bread, and a few other things we might need if the storm gets worse.

Here’s the thing about Rhode Islanders and snow: we panic. Some blame the Blizzard of ’78, when people were snowed in for days. My eighth-grade history teacher told us the story of how she was stranded at school for a few days with a handful of kids. The busses just couldn’t get to them. My mom used to tell me that she had to send my dad out with a sled to purchase more diapers the one-year-old me. Now, I find it funny that people rush to the store and clear the shelves. Accurate weather forecasts provide plenty of warning and cleaning crews get us snowed out within a day. However, people still race to Stop and Shop and pick the shelves clean.

Schools canceled the day before the storm. In my day, we had to watch the news that morning and follows the scrolling announcements in alphabetical order at the bottom of the screen, hoping to not miss your school district and have to sit there for another few minutes. There was a bit of excitement as the announcements got closer to your district. We also listened to an AM radio who read the reports. (I have the hardest time trying to explain to Mike that the gentleman who read the announcements is a state treasure; he even has a beach named after him.)

The actual day of the snowstorm starts with nervous energy. We turn up the heat a few degrees. In case we lose power, this gives us a little more time to worry that the pipes will not freeze and burst. We sit on the couch, drinking coffee and flipping the channels between local news and reruns that are syndicated on weekdays. We let Liam play on his Kindle without tracking the amount of time. He’s stuck inside for the day, he can play a little more than usual. We read books. We play games. We act silly. Liam reenacting his time on a mechanical shark at my college homecoming last fall was one of my favorite moments of the day! We watch cheesy movies. At some point, we all venture off to other rooms to do our own thing. Liam will go play in his room, I will find something to clean. I love this time!

Snow days provide a great excuse to snuggle up on the couch and read

Mike tries to decide when to go outside and tackle the first round of snow blowing. Even with a strong machine, heavy snow needs to be handled in shifts. When he heard our next door neighbor head out around noontime, Mike followed suit. While Mike took care of the driveway, I dug out our walkway and our neighbor’s walkway. Liam came out with me, eager to play in the snow. The snow was blowing around, giving Liam the idea to put on his swim goggles so he could see. Sometimes, he is an innovator.

We went back inside to unthaw, sitting on the couch with our soft, fleece blankets. At 4:00, we decided to head out again to dig out while we still had a bit of light. Even though I shoveled four hours earlier, it looked like I hadn’t done anything! I started digging out all over again. A neighbor came over with his snowblower and finished the job for me. Another neighbor cleared our older neighbors’ walkway. Mike used his new snowblower on five driveways. Neighbors came out and helped each other dig and clear. We texted our neighbor, a hospital nurse who has to go to work, and let her know that her path and drviewat were cleared. She called us a minute later to express her gratitude. It’s nice to know that actions can really change someone’s day.

While I don’t think many of us look forward blizzards, I think we enjoy the camaraderie that emerges during these storms. We check in on each other before, during, and after the storm. We look out for each other and help each other out. We laugh and joke during a less than ideal situation.

Today, Liam and I will venture outside to dig a third time, this time to remove snow that blew back into the walkway overnight. We will play board games, drink hot cocoa, and, even though I swear I will not indulge and overeat during these snow-ins, I will eventually suggest making cookies. Mike and I will continue to check in with friends and family to make sure everyone is still okay. Blizzards remind me that I am surrounded by amazing people, some by choice and some by chance. New Englanders’ ability to handle copious amounts of snow and wind is another reason why I would never leave this area!

My Best Vacation Idea Ever!

The week before holiday break, I stalked the weather, hoping for a few warm days to go hiking or visit the zoo. Each day revealed another unseasonably cold day. I panicked, wondering what to do with Liam. The three of us were home most of the week. Anyplace indoors to entertain kids would be insanely busy. (Not so secret information about me: I have zero patience for crowds.) I looked into visiting Cape Cod during the week and decided to stay closer to home in Newport. We were able to rent a room at the Holiday Inn Express at a very reasonable rate. They had an indoor pool and free breakfast. We splurged on a room with a jacuzzi, which Liam immediately at to explore.

We headed to Newport early and walked around Thames St, expecting to pretty much have the area to ourselves. It was surprisingly busy! After driving around a few minutes, I gave up and paid to park. We had a nice lunch, walked around, and headed to the hotel for check-in.

We immediately changed and headed to the pool. Liam was beyond excited to burn off energy. We swam for over an hour and headed back to the room. Since Mike and I really cracked down on extra expences and started watching our budget, we stopped ordering food and going out to eat. That evening, we ordered Dominos for the first time in 2017. Liam was amazed that we could have pizza delivered right to our hotel room.

Liam has minimum experience in hotels. We often stay with relatives or go camping. There were a few features he loved, such as the free soap and notebook.

“Can I keep the notepad?”

“You can.”

“And the pen?”

“Yes, buddy.”

“This is the nicest hotel ever!’

While waiting for dinner, we played Ticket to Ride. We bought it for Liam for Christmas. It is a rare board game that I don’t mind playing. Liam and I often play games at our favorite coffee shop; it’s nice to have a fun game at home. After dinner, we headed back to the hotel. This time, we had the pool to ourselves the entire time. The depth varied from three to four feet, making it better for Liam, who could touch the bottom everywhere.

A few years ago, we stayed at a local Holiday Inn Express while getting through the local floods. Each morning, Mike and I shared a tray of their cinnamon rolls. Add some scrambled eggs and sausage, and we didn’t need to eat again until dinner. We wondered why we worked fifteen hours a day in the basement and didn’t lose a pound. Then we discovered that the cinnamon rolls have over 600 calories each. We were eating a day’s worth of calories in the morning! At the time, it was worth it to have the energy to work all day. This time, we were much better, each eating only one.

We were able to hit the pool one more time in the morning. There were two kids Liam’s age there; he was happy to have kids to play with.

This was such a great way to spend a day during a cold vacation! We didn’t have to deal with crowds and it cost us less than going to dinner and a movie. I’m so glad we decided to get away locally!

Gratuitous Year-End Review

Gather round, folks, it’s time for me to summarize the highlights of the year!

I think I’ve grown more this year than I have in a decade! My forties may be my time!

Highlights:

Okay, I’m going to be superficial and say that seeing Hamilton was one of my biggest highlights. I’m still amazed that Mike and I were able to see Hamilton at all, nevermind having third-row seats! Hamilton got me through some challenging times; I am thankful we were able to make the trek to Broadway to see it. While we were waiting for the play to begin, we were able to go to the top of the Empire State Building. Mike and I thought it would be a brilliant idea to avoid the elevator lines and take the stairs from the 82 to 88th-floor observation decks; we quickly learned that was a terrible idea!

Becoming a runner was my most significant achievement of the year! I can’t say enough good things about Beginning Runner Group. Their support throughout the process of running a 5K was the key to my success! If it weren’t for this program, I would still be saying, “Someday, I’ll teach myself how to run.” Wednesday night, I finally conquered the giant, seemingly endless hill on Rochambeau, accomplishing my last running goal of the year! Next year, I am signed up for not one, but two half-marathons. While I have no interest in ever completing a full marathon, I am nervous and excited to meet these goals next year!

Making great friends and finding my people was one of my favorite parts of 2017. Here, I wrote about being very lonely after Liam was born. It took me a while as a mother to find great friends. I now have a wonderful, supportive group of friends who encourage me, laugh with me, and push me to better myself.

Thankful for friends who embrace silliness!

Seven has been my favorite age! I love everything, well, most things about having a seven-year-old! Sometimes, it seems he ages a year in a week. Other times, I see glimpses of my baby boy hiding in this ginormous kid. Liam is kind, thoughtful, and curious. I love this journey, but look forward to seeing the adult he grows up to be.

I should admit that, in spite of all of my working out, I only lost a half pound this year. However, I lost ten inches, proving that the scale is not always the best way to measure progress. While I hope to tone up a bit next year and lose a bit of my tummy, in this post, I was able to finally realize that working out is not just about losing fat and trying to cancel out food consumed. More than anything, I am looking forward to getting stronger and faster next year!.

Liam is thriving at school! We were so happy with his daycare center that we kept him there through kindergarten. Last year, we started him in a new school for first grade. He was so nervous about learning a new building and making new friends. While I didn’t tell him, I had the same fears! We both had to learn new policies and politics and make new friends. I am happy to report that lightning struck twice! Liam loves school, his teachers, and his new friends. He loves staying at their after-school program and participating in after-school activities. In addition to Liam making great friends, Mike and I managed to befriend a great group of people! We are truly blessed to be part of a school that makes you feel like a family!

Random Happy Thoughts

I’m thankful that I decided to share my writing, even though it sometimes makes me nervous to hit the “Publish” button knowing that people will be reading my thoughts. I once compared sharing writing to trying on bath suiting publicly; all of your flaws are visible for all to see. However, I’ve received such a positive response, letting me know that maybe I do have something to say or offer to the world

Yesterday, I ran to the mall to return a pair of boots. Searching for a replacement for my six-year-old riding boots is the epitome of a first-world problem. I thought I had a pair to fit my calves, only to discover they were far too tall and hit the back of my calves when I walked. The customer at the register was an older woman, apparently confused about the sale flyer and asking numerous questions about items throughout the store. I was slightly annoyed because I paying for Liam’s afterschool care and waiting for ten minutes to return the boots. While the lady behind me sighed loudly due to the wait, the cashier happily answered all of the questions. At this moment, my attitude changed. Instead of being annoyed at the delay, I was pleased to see a woman with so much patience helping someone purchase Christmas gifts. After (finally) making my return, I found a manager to report the heartwarming account of exceptional customer service.

I love Liam’s second-grade teacher! She is the perfect mixture of kind and strict. She had Liam redo his homework because he put it in his backpack instead of his folder. When he added his lunchbox and hat, it crumbled and ripped his paper. He came home grumbling that he already did it and it wasn’t fair. It led to a short conversation about responsibility and taking pride in his work. I love that, in addition to academics, she is teaching him essential life skills. She is reinforcing life skills that will make school easier for Liam as he gets older. Words cannot describe how happy I am that she is his second-grade teacher!

My school loops students through the grades. Because of this arrangement, I am able to teach my students throughout their high school years. We develop relationships and don’t have to spend the first half of year trying figuring each other out. I know how they work and what makes them successful. After three years of using the Summit Learning Platform, everything seems to really click. They’re growing and becoming self-directed learners. They’re flourishing during Socratic Seminars. When we first held Socratic Seminars, they were awkward, with students simply asking and answering prepared questions. Now, they’re using I Am Malala as a starting point for engaging conversations, such as whether the United States should be invading other countries, even in the name of stopping the Taliban. While discussing the inequalities of women in Pakistan, students connected the book to the wage gap, Harvey Weinstein, and the sexual abuse scandals currently in the news. I love that my students demonstrate the ability to think critically, not just regurgitate facts.

Harvest Kitchen Corner Store and Cafe opened next to my school. They sell a variety of locally made foods, including the best applesauce you’ll ever eat! During the summer, my husband requests trips to our local farmer’s market just to stock up on the sauce. The program provides job-training to youths involved in the Juvenile Corrections Services. The products are a delicious way to support the local community. I was able to pick up a few stocking stuffers and great a cup of mint tea on a chilly Friday morning.

Liam often dances in the kitchen. Our Echo is there, so he asks it to play music and “rocks out!” He was dancing to Imagine Dragons when it became quiet. Any mother knows that silence is not always golden. When I checked on him, he was sitting on the kitchen floor with his notebook in his lap. He told me he was writing a story. Liam has so much of Mike in him; it made me happy to see a little bit of me shine through!

(The kitchen floor is old. Believe me when I tell you it is clean, just worn!)

The F Word(s)

Years ago, I overcame an eating disorder. I don’t often talk about it because it is a past part of my life that I choose to keep to myself. In the heart of treatment, I often felt embarrassed to admit my bulimia, not because of the stigma associated with an eating disorder or mental illness, but rather because I was afraid people would think I was too fat to suffer from an eating disorder. I was average size, not one of the stick-thin images connected to eating disorders.

Twenty plus years later, the same nerves come back when I mention working out. I do not have the body of a runner or athlete. While I have a good amount of muscle, it is protected by a nice layer of fluff. My body is soft and curvy. Parts of it continue to move after I’ve stopped. In racing photos, I’m aware of the top stomach roll that peaks over the top of my running pants. I’ve learned to love Body Guide when running in shorts during warm weather.

There were several reasons I really began focusing on working out and taking care of my body.

I was turning 41; my dad had a heart attack at this age. I remember how terrified and helpless I felt and didn’t ever want Liam to experience that. (My dad is fine now; it was a wake-up call for him to take better care of himself.)
I am a role model. Liam watches everything I do. We were aware that he inherited our sweet tooth and want him to be active and eat healthy foods.
I’ve been gaining and losing the same ten pounds since before I had Liam. I watch my diet on SparkPeople, measuring and counting everything I eat, get to a point where I don’t cringe when getting on the scale, then go back to eating how I used to. I don’t eat terribly, I just could always be better.

My goal weight has changed dramatically in my adult life. I remember being devastated when I got into the 140’s. I remember being devastated when I moved up to a size ten (double digits! gasp!) Now, I am content being a consistent size twelve.

My goals for working out no longer have anything to do with weight or size. Yes, it would be nice to shrink a little, but that is no longer the endgame. I want to break 100 pounds in my bench press; I’m only five pounds away from doing that. I want to PR in the thirty-five-minute range at a 5K next year. I want to complete my second half-marathon in under three hours. Someday, that elusive pull-up will become a reality. None of these goals have anything to do with a number on the scale or a number on a tag in my jeans.

Every Saturday morning, I take my measurements. I track my weight, muscle and fat percentages, and measurements. Since January, I have gained one pound. However, I have lost 14.5 inches overall. While giving me my information, my bathroom scale also provides BMI. Most weeks, it kindly informs me that my height and weight calculations put me in the obese category. I’m thankful that I had the foresight to track progress in ways beyond the scale. I can see my body change and tighten.

Guess what, I weigh five pounds more in this picture than I did in the second picture!

My journey is no longer about avoiding being fat or being able to outrun weekly nachos with my coworkers. It’s about being strong. It’s about doing things I previously couldn’t. It’s about being a role model for a son who proudly says that his mama runs races and lifts weights. He and I run together; he proclaims that he “runs like a gazelle.” He watches me struggle and try to improve, teaching him that he won’t get things the first time; he needs to work hard to achieve things. The joy he shows when he able to do something at ninja class for the first time is amazing! He rides that pride for days!

Maybe, as I up my running to prepare for the halfs, those last ten pounds will melt away. If they don’t, I will still be happy with my accomplishments. This journey is no longer about fat and food; it’s something much bigger!

Slowly, and Then All at Once

John Green wrote this line to describe how a character falls asleep. It came to my mind yesterday while watching Liam. He seemed to grow a few years in the course of a day.

We saw our first snow this weekend. Getting Liam ready to play in the snow is usually a huge pain the neck. Yesterday, he got himself dressed completely on his own. He needed help with his boots, which he managed to outgrow in record time. He was able to borrow a pair of mine. Once we were outside, he began helping us shovel rather than playing. Watching his clear the driveway, it seemed like just yesterday that he was barely able to make his way over the pavement while he tried to clear off his Cozy Coupe.

It was a big day for Liam because he finally moved out of his five-point booster. He made it to almost eight before he moved to a booster that uses the car’s seatbelt. I am fanatical about car seats; Liam has always been in the safest car seat we can afford. He stayed in his five-point booster longer than most of his friends, a source of much whining in our car. He was very happy to make the transition out of his “baby seat.”

He’s been waiting for this moment for a long time!

While Mike watched the Eagles game, Liam and I wrapped gifts. While I was asking him to write out his gift tags, he also insisted on wrapping his own gifts, refusing to even let me hold down edges of wrapping paper.

Every day, I watch Liam grow a little bit. He asked me if we can listen to the “news” in the car. (Yup, my seven-year-old prefers NPR.) He starts conversations asking to discuss preferences of Elvis over the Beatles. “Elvis is the king for a reason.” Yesterday, he asked why people need to pay a lot of money for medicine. “Why should we have to pay for Tylenol? Does the government want people to die? Isn’t it easier to just give people Tylenol when they are in pain? What about kids who are sick? What if their parents can’t afford medicine? You always tell me I am lucky because we have the money for the things we need. What about the kids whose parents don’t have money?” (“Dude, you just perfectly summed up one of the biggest debates in American politics right now.”) I know he is constantly evolving, but yesterday hit me in all the feels. He is turning into a young man. My baby is still in there, but gets deeper and deeper down. As I tucked him in last night, he wore his Ninja Turtle PJs, hugged his beloved stuffed bunny, and gave me nose rub kisses, I was happy that glimpses of the little boy remain. I can’t wait to see the man this boy grows up to be.

Run if You Can, Otherwise Walk

This weekend, we are going to set up our Christmas tree and bring out the decorations. Mike and I are not anticipating taking out Outlaw’s stocking. Even four months after losing him, we miss him daily. One of the biggest things I miss is our walks. We walked Outtie twice a day. Liam and I took him on his morning walks. My favorite things about those walks were the twenty minutes of uninterrupted conversation. I do not consider myself a bad parent or wife, but how often do we honestly get that much time with our child or spouse to just talk? Too often, we find ourselves making lunches or putting away dishes or some other form of multitasking.

This week, Liam and I began going for walks in the morning on our own. I love having the time to talk to him! I love getting a glimpse of how he sees the world. He stopped to pick up and show me a giant leaf, then put it back on the ground so “someone else can enjoy it.” Today, he enjoyed his new gloves that he picked out at Target last night, talking about the skeleton fingers on them and wishing for a cold Halloween so he can wear them then. I love these small little conversations. We never solve the world’s problems, but I hope that Liam has fond memories of these walks.

If we are unable to walk in the morning, we walk in the evening, sometimes taking Mike with us. Evening walks, while challenging to ensure being seen in the early darkness, are enjoyable with the manageable chill and many Christmas displays. Our neighborhood is quite festive; most houses usually decorate for the holidays. We love going for walks through the neighborhood and admiring lights.

While I know that the colder weather is going to make it much more difficult to get out and run, I’m content getting in my walks. Yesterday, I parked my car at Liam’s school and managed a quick run before walking in to pick him up after school. As much as I love the Boulevard, it was nice to have a change of scenery. I live close to the airport; on Thursdays, the Army’s C-120s practice touch and goes. The sun felt exceptionally warm, reminding me that the warmer days in New England are numbered.

One “perk” of living near the airport is knowing the schedule of certain planes and being able to identify them in the air by sound alone!

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Holy Cow! Running in the cold is like learning to run all over again! After each run in the colder weather, my nose runs faster than any other part of my body. My lungs ache for hours after the run. I bought an infinity scarf, hoping that keeping my chest and neck warm would help the lungs. No such luck.

Yesterday was the last race of the season, the Downtown Jungle 5K. Mike and Liam joined me. I was glad they were able to get a glimpse into my running fun and meet a few of my running buddies. Liam decided at the last minute to run the children’s race. It was a disaster! He claims he “broke an ab” and walked for most of the race, finishing 49 of 53. What did make me happy was that he kept going. Even when it was difficult and he didn’t feel great, he didn’t cry and he finished the race.

Thankful that Meghan captured this picture of Liam finishing the race in spite of his “broken ab”

My race started off great! My first mile was one of my fastest ever: 11:04! I was hoping to carry this throughout the race and get a PR for Christmas. During my second mile, I had to walk/run, completing it in 12:41. If finished the race at 37:51, 58 seconds shy of a PR.

Even without PR, I had a great time! I loved seeing running friends and catching up with old friends. The races are always exceptionally well organized. I love running through Providence. When I am able to look at it from different viewpoints, it is easy to understand why people come to visit and fall in love with the city.

That made me think about what I want to achieve next year. Right now, I have three main goals:

Finish a 5k in under 35 minutes
Finish a 5k in the top 50% of the runners
Finish the half-marathon (That’s it, just finish it. I’d like to finish in under three hours, but I will be happy simply finishing.)
Get a decent picture at the finish fine. I need to remember the smile!

Why is it Difficult This Year?

Yesterday was my mom’s birthday. Usually, I can breeze through this day. On her first birthday after she passed, we went to her favorite restaurant. Since it closed a few years ago, this is no longer an option. Monday, I decided to make a spice cake, her tradition for everyone’s birthday. Whenever the occasion called for cake, she had a spice cake with vanilla frosting ready. Finally, my dad admitted that he didn’t like spice cakes. Apparently, before they were married, my grandmother pulled my mother aside to tell her that my father loved spice cake. Wanting to be a good wife, my mother made spice cake for every birthday and holiday. When my father broke down and asked her to stop making them, my mother told him the advice given before their wedding day.

“Spice cake is my mother’s favorite!” my father revealed. “We tolerated it for her!”

While my mother began making us chocolate or yellow cakes for our birthdays, the joke never died. On my dad’s first birthday after my mom passed, I baked and sent a spice cake to him in Florida.

This year, I felt the need to make her a birthday cake. I explained to Liam, who hates running errands after school, that we needed to stop and get the ingredients to make Nana’s favorite cake. He didn’t complain. At the store, there was every cake mix except spice. I began crying in the middle of the market. Of course, this is when we run into one of Liam’s classmates and her family. I’m tearing up like a fool, carrying an empty basket.

“Picking up dinner?” she asked, being friendly.

Ugh… I decided to explain, unable to just say “Yes” and move on. It actually helped to get the words out. “I guess the is the universe telling me I don’t need cake,” I surmised.

In true awesome mother form, I made Liam a snack, let him watch TV, went upstairs, and cried. It has been months since I’ve cried over anything. I’m usually so good with my emotions; why am I crying over cake?

It hit me later when I was hugging Liam good night. Because he is growing so much, he can hug me with his arms on my shoulders rather than wrapping them around my waist. It made me realize that I forgot how I hug my mom; whose arms were on top? Did it vary? I was such a mess that I just went to bed, hoping to sleep it away.

Grief is grief. We never know when and how it will strike. We can try to prepare ourselves for when we think it will sneak up and make an appearance. Grief lets us know that things still matter, that pain doesn’t always leave us. I often wonder what life would be like if my mom were still here. I find myself forgetting things about my mom, or struggling to remember things that should be etched in my memory, and getting upset with myself, as though these lapses are a personal insult to her and her memory.

The best I can do it tell Liam about his Nana, share stories about her quirks and kindness. I can intend to make a spice cake and be okay if the universe tells me otherwise.